The Needle and the Damage Done

I like hoodies, but....

2006-12-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

I once made a sweater this shade of blue, with a hood. It looked much like, this actually, except I made to it actually fit--and to fit as a sweater, not as a dress. I remembered to stop when I got to the end, not just knit until I ran out of yarn. She looks like she has horribly flabby arms, and has a hoop skirt frame around her hips. No to mention the fact that sweater dresses make me shudder involuntarily.

Extra Credit

2006-12-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who used to drive me crazy, because she needed to be assured that everything matched, down to her socks and watch. This getup, from our friends in Bulgaria, gets extra credit for having matching knitted boots to go with the bag and coat.

I think that's supposed to be a hat on her head, but the tie hanging down in the back makes it look like a high-class attempt at a do rag.

Me Tarzan

2006-11-30T19:57:00.000-05:00

You Jane. Lost in the jungle as a child, and raised by stylish gorillas.

Another....

2006-11-30T19:53:00.000-05:00

Another dress that made me go "hmmmm...." I think she got all fancied up for a blind date at the zoo. She tried to impress her potential sweetie with something fanciful and feminine. Then, deciding the lions looked *just like* her kitten at home, but bigger, jumped into the den, in an attempt to pet them and wiggle a string in front of their heads. They tore her dress apart instead. Her blind date yelled for help, then ran.

It's been....

2006-11-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

Hi all! It's been quite a while, and I've missed sharing my appalling finds with all of you. The wedding was fantastic, and life is back to normal now. So on with the show......

When I began planning my wedding, I thought it might be nice to knit my own dress, or bodice or something. I settled on knitting a wedding shawl as my something blue. Seeing dresses like these made me rethink the whole knitted dress thing.

Fall time

2006-09-25T19:33:00.000-04:00

The days are getting shorter and colder here in Vermont, and I'm starting to pull out sweaters and layers once again. Anything to keep me warm on these chilly mornings. Anything except these. They are called "Clydesdale" which is very fitting, seeing as how they make you look like a show horse.

awwww....no

2006-09-25T19:31:00.000-04:00

You know how all booties look adorable on little babies? Someone thought the same principle would apply to adults. Yes, these are written for adult sizes only. Eep.

Halloween present!

2006-09-16T21:04:00.000-04:00

I don't know that this is a knittrocity. I suppose it would be if you wore it regularly, and walked around town with a plastic lightsaber casually slung at your hip. And if you paused in front of doors, thinking your Jedi mind could open them. But for Halloween, it's terrific. There's a free pattern at http://bleuarts.blogspot.com

Flashback

2006-09-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

I think this is a promo photo from an 80s Tom Cruise movie.

Just wanted to say...

2006-09-11T21:21:00.000-04:00

Have a nice day!

Temporary slow down

2006-09-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

I'm gearing up for a wedding at the end of the month, so I don't have a lot of time for browsing photos and posting them to expose the knittrocities they are. If in the meantime you come across anything horrendous, please pass on the link, and I'll add the photo here for all to gawk at. After I'm merrily married, I'll be back to daily postings. Sorry for the spottiness until then.

Have I got a deal for you!

2006-09-07T19:19:00.000-04:00

Do you fondly remember afternoons spent running home from school to watch Saved by the Bell? Do you remember fawning over Zach or Slater? No one fawned over Screech, the poor thing. Which is just as well because now he's out there trying to sell his image on t-shirts to pay off the mortgage on his house. No one likes a pushy has-been.

But that's beside the point. If you loved the show. If you were entranced by very special episodes, such as Jessie's addiction to speed. If you always wanted to hang out at the burger joint, and loved the decor there so much you wished you could wear it like a billboard of devotion, here's your chance! The sweater on the left was created just for you. The sweater on the right, just a bonus. Free to anyone in the Boston area, via Craigslist.

Stain removal

2006-09-05T21:03:00.000-04:00

Here's a handy tip for all you do it yourselfers! Every time you spill some of your double mocha latte on your sweater, just cut out a small square from a clean spot, and sew it over your stain. Voila!

Cow Bear

2006-09-04T16:53:00.000-04:00

This is supposed to represent a panda, but I think this is what happens when a bear and a cow meet and fall in love. They have little pandows which are then meticulously rendered in knittwear sold in zoos where these rare animals live.

Breaking News

2006-09-03T17:07:00.000-04:00

The votes have been tallied, and the results are in. The blue ribbon winner of the San Diego County Home and Hobby fair is Mary Brown, for her "wearable art." Let's give Ms. Brown a round of applause.

Halloween's coming up.

2006-09-01T19:43:00.000-04:00

If I were a size negative 4 like this model is, I could use this outfit to dress up as Harley Quinn, one of Batman's arch nemeses, for Halloween. All she needs is a little angel on one shoulder and a little demon on the other. Anyone want to knit those up and donate them to the cause?

Safari

2006-09-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

It's a problem when you have more fringe than scarf. It seems like she was a little too enamored with the lions she saw on safari and is trying to make her own mane.

In case of emergency....

2006-08-30T20:49:00.000-04:00

....this sweater also doubles as a flotation device.

It's wrong, but

2006-08-29T20:21:00.000-04:00

when i saw this picture, all I could wonder is what happens when you pull on the tassle? My fiance said it is probably like the Aadam's family doorbell, and Lurch will appear over her shoulder when you give it a tug. I'm afraid the thing might roll up like a windowshade if I gave it a yank.

Look Ma!

2006-08-29T20:16:00.000-04:00

I learned how to make pom poms!!!

Misnomer

2006-08-28T07:20:00.000-04:00

This Lion Brand pattern is called "Flattering Dress." I don't think it's possible to make anything flattering out of Homespun.

Poor girl

2006-08-28T07:16:00.000-04:00

This poncho makes this poor kid look like she has no arms.

Shiver me timbers....

2006-08-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

Ahoy, mate. This is from our notorious Bulgarian design firm, trying to knit up some sailer girl wear. Now I'm no nautical expert, but I can't imagine knitted pants being much help on a ship. The slightest sea spray would cause them sag at the least, or pants you in the worst case scenario.

This is a test

2006-08-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

I can only hope this sweater was created just to test whether or not she could seam sleeves and a collar. Maybe it was created by a designer with ADHD who couldn't manage to sit long enough to create a whole sweater body. It doesn't even cover her boobs.

I'm frightened

2006-08-24T23:38:00.000-04:00

These children scare me. They are a little too excited to be wrapped up in fun furishness

Are those....?

2006-08-24T23:34:00.000-04:00

So the sweater...not so great. It's too geometric, too big, too what the hell were you thinking. But there are those tights! They are knitted tights to go along with it, so I suppose it's supposed to be worn as is? No pants? No skirt? No dignity?

Accessories of many colours

2006-08-23T07:55:00.000-04:00

The bits of the coat left on the stadium floor were used to make matching accessories....

Cape of many colours

2006-08-23T07:53:00.000-04:00

After Joseph and his coat of many colours were thrown into the lion's den, this was all that remained. Of the coat. Joseph....he's fine and living in Beverly Hills.....But the coat....not so much....

Fun with fun fur

2006-08-23T07:51:00.000-04:00

This could not possibly look good on anyone. Not even on that friend everyone has who is uber stylish to the point that you want to throttle her on occasion. Not even scaled down to fit on a six-month old. And everything is cute on a six-month old.

More from Bulgaria...

2006-08-22T15:35:00.000-04:00

This is the longest loincloth I have ever seen.

Does anyone else see the resemblance?

2006-08-21T17:03:00.000-04:00

Superman's Granny

2006-08-21T16:17:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, I ran into an old lady who was very nice. I was having trouble lifting an 80 pound tub of honey. She hooked her finger under the handle, and lifted the whole thing with her pinky! I asked who she was, and she winked and said "I think you have heard of my grandson!" To protect her identity, and his, she would only let me photograph her from the back. I think I had a run in with Superman's granny!

Hot Hot Hot

2006-08-21T08:24:00.000-04:00

Can someone please explain this to me? Did there used to be blue stuff on all the rest of it, but it fell off in the wash? Was she an extra in The Birds, and they all plucked her sweater clean to make their nests?

Let this be a lesson to you...

2006-08-20T08:28:00.000-04:00

Always remove your knitwear before engaging in battle with Freddy Kruger.

Baby Tux

2006-08-20T08:25:00.000-04:00

I used to work at Gap Kids/Baby Gap, so I know that there can be adorable ways to dress your kid up for a formal function. This is not one of them.

Snewd

2006-08-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

First off, the word snood in itself is funny. Like kumquat or squeegee. It just feels funny rolling off your tongue, and slightly dirty besides. More importantly, it's a hideous knittrocity. Even my great-grandmother, who had a few snoods in her time, would not have sported this.

And is that model one of those Barbie heads that third-graders practice their makeup techniques on?

Hands off!

2006-08-18T01:12:00.000-04:00

This pattern has these mittens worked into it, all intarsia-like. It's supposed to look like you casually threw your mittens-on-a-string around your neck after an afternoon of ice skating and general winter carousing. Though this way, you don't ever have to worry about your carefully placed mittens falling off when you bend over. It looks to me more like someone's grabbing the boobs of whoever this is supposed to go on with grubby mitteny hands.

Inquiring minds want to know...

2006-08-18T01:08:00.000-04:00

For those who have been asking about the pics posted recently, they are from a design firm in Bulgaria. Apparently, they had different fashion standards over there. They "specialize" in women's "fashion" but they haven't completely forgotten about the boys. This design is called "Dickens" because it is only appropriate to wear to a 19th century literary character costume party. Or a Harry Potter get together.

Sheep!

2006-08-17T12:24:00.000-04:00

This might be cute if it were on, say, a five-year-old. But this is just creepy.

Damn, I ran out of yarn....

2006-08-17T12:22:00.000-04:00

....So I just tied on the leftover bits I had instead....

Call me crazy....

2006-08-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

But I thought the purpose of a hat was to keep your ears warm. The model is confused about this as well.

Chastity Belt

2006-08-16T10:41:00.000-04:00

This get up is called "Chastity Belt." I always pictured a chastity belt to be more, well, impregnable.

It seems like one of those outfits you have to plan on wearing, because once you're laced up in that thing, there is no way you're going to the bathroom for hours.

Haute Couture

2006-08-15T15:40:00.000-04:00

Not only is this a tight-fitting ribbed skirt AND a multicolored, ruffly sweater......the designer knitted matching ruffles onto the back of the leggings. Every knitted item on this website was modeled by a, well, model. But apparently they couldn't find one willing to put this on.

Sickly

2006-08-15T15:39:00.000-04:00

This is a bag, which might be ok when viewed in real life, from a different angle. But as it's posed here, it looks like a uterus with a bad case of the pox.

Theft alert!

2006-08-15T15:35:00.000-04:00

At the latest unveiling the new winter knits line, the models' pants were quitely stolen during their makeup session, leaving them having to make do at the last minute with matching legwarmers, which happened to be lying nearby.

Sex-ay

2006-08-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Nothing turns me on more than a man in a knitted orange leisure suit.....

.....except for everything else.

Gah! I am glad I just barely missed the 70s!

Yes!

2006-08-14T16:28:00.000-04:00

I finally finished my wristlets, painstakingly knitted from lengths of yarn salvaged from birds' nests.

What?

I have to weave in the ends?

Well....f*(@

I must have missed something

2006-08-13T17:55:00.000-04:00

When did Miss Piggy become a cracked-out anteater?

Confession Time

2006-08-13T17:50:00.000-04:00

A couple years ago, I worked at a yarn shop. My job was to make the customers happy, so when one woman came in insisting on making something very close to this for her daughter, I had to help her find the perfect color combination. It looked remarkably like this, but more fuschia and blinding. That poor daughter.

What I learned from Ebay, part III

2006-08-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

Ebay totally caters to the Crazy Cat Ladies of the world

What I learned from Ebay, part II

2006-08-12T23:02:00.000-04:00

Why spend the money on travel? You can own a fantastic Australia or Bermuda sweater, and feel like you've been there, done that!

I know one is a store-bought sweater, but it is still a knittrocity, nonetheless.

What I learned from Ebay

2006-08-11T13:22:00.000-04:00

Animals need sweaters too! You wouldn't want your goose to get cold in those harsh Canadian winters! And no one wants an unstylish guinea pig!

Vintage Knittrocity

2006-08-11T00:17:00.000-04:00

This is a knitted bathing suit from the 1930s. I am concerned that some woman saw this pattern, knit this for her husband and made him wear it, thus scarring him and his children for life. Why the belt? Why the peek-a-boo sides? Just......why?

Lobster, anyone?

2006-08-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

This is the fanciest lobster bib I have ever seen!

Grrrrrr

2006-08-10T09:42:00.000-04:00

Ok, this isn't knitted, but it totally pisses me off! Berroco "designed" this "necklace" to sell two hanks of glace per piece. The clasp? A book ring. A friggin book ring!

Berry Pretty

2006-08-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

That really is the name of this pattern.

I hope this woman wore this as some sort of Halloween joke, and not to an actual black tie affair.

I finally found it

2006-08-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

I finally found the *perfect* cape to hide my third, fourth, and fifth arms.

There's something about the way her right arm is hanging that makes it look like it's growing out of her back.

Past the doghouse

2006-08-09T09:45:00.000-04:00

This guy messed up really bad. Worse than "you're sleeping on the couch!" bad. Worse than "you're in the doghouse" bad. This is "If you ever want to win my love back, you have to wear this sweater" bad.

Erm

2006-08-08T16:05:00.000-04:00

I am a girl with hips built for birthin'. So I don't need a skirt that makes me look like I have a second set of hips attached to the side of my thighs.

Reversible sweater

2006-08-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

Someone should have told the designer that "reversible sweater" does not mean you have the choice of buttoning up front-ways or back-ways!

Abominable Snowperson!

2006-08-07T14:47:00.000-04:00

Here is a rare photo of the offspring of an abominable snowman tribe, taken high in the Himalayas. Note the sheen their fur has when they are young.

Obey me!

2006-08-07T14:21:00.000-04:00

The hat's alright, though it does look a bit like the cat that lived in my grandmother's neighborhood for years that was always a bit raggedy and had chunks of its ears missing from fights with other street cats. But the girl is very obviously a future world leader in training.

Oh I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor

2006-08-07T14:17:00.000-04:00

Sing along if you know the words!

I'm being eaten by a Boa Constrictor,
A Boa Constrictor,
A Boa Constrictor.
I'm being eaten by a Boa Constrictor,
And I don't like it one bit.

Whadaya know, it's nibblin' my toe.
Oh gee, it's up to my knee.
Oh fiddle, it's up to my middle.
Oh heck, it's up to my neck.
Oh dread, it's mm-mm-mm-mm...
(-Shel Silverstein)

Swatch Watch

2006-08-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Someone saved their afghan swatches for years before being inspired to create....this....

Originally from Berroco. They have a detail picture there, if you really must see it in all its, *gulp* glory.

Hullo and Welcome

2006-08-06T20:01:00.000-04:00

And thus begins our odyssey into the often-times bizarre and disturbing world of knitwear. I will upload the first images of knittrocities tomorrow. If you have images you would like to share, please email them to me at r_pitseleh@yahoo.com. If you have personal knittrocities you would like to be properly commemorated and mourned, I would love to share those as well. I will be very forthcoming with mine!

This blog is in homage to the recently-defunct youknitwhat, which provided me and many others with untold horrors. I am indebted to youknitwhat, and will miss it dearly. Their archives can be viewed at youknitwhat.blogspot.com. I hope this blog will someday reach the level of insight and snarkiness that came so naturally to the girls at youknitwhat.

Until tomorrow,
Rebekah